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I got a new (well, second) job at the Hampton Inn. Today was only my fourth day but I like it. I'm just afraid of going in on Sunday cause I know I'm going to be by myself (as in not in training anymore and not working with someone) so it'll take me a lot longer to get done with rooms. It's a really quiet job though, that's the only thing I'm not really used to. So today I was putting the radios on just to have some noise and listen to music. Right now I'm happy that I get to sleep in Friday and Saturday, Monday and Tuesday. Sleep is one of my much desired yet rarely achieved things right now...

OCB kinda pissed me off tonight.. the girl who was doing breaks was off at 7, and it was 6:55 and no-one had their break yet. So she left, and then the managers sent two people on break, then when they came back they sent me and the other girl Holly. This is why I like the Hampton better right now, because you get three breaks, at specific times. At 10 I get a fifteen minute break, then at 11:30 I get my half hour lunch, then at 2 I get another fifteen minute break. Not to mention that I don't have to clock out for any of them =)

So after work I put about $12 in gas in my car, then drove up to see Mark and spend some much needed time with him. I love being around him, and talking to him, even just knowing him makes me happier. But he always just makes my day a lot better whenever I talk to him. I don't know what it is but I love it. I can't wait to have that feeling every day when I come home from work. Enough of that.. I need to get out of my uniform, get some food, and get up to bed. ♥

p.s: I love that I always smell like you when I leave your house ♥♥

Have ya ever gone back and read some of your old journal entries and just thought "Wow, I am one fucked up individual"? I kinda think that when I read this.. Heh, to think that I was once so angry and depressed and shit... now everything's totally different. In a good way though, a very good way. I finally found someone that I'm actually happy with, not just "He's-happy-so-I-guess-I'm-happy". It's amazing now. He doesn't even realize what he does for me. Thanks to him, I'm pretty damn close to forgetting everything that's happened to me in the past. It's weird when you're expecting to be hurt again, you're waiting for them to say or do the wrong thing, yet they never do. I love it though. I laugh now.. and smile almost constantly...okay.. I'm getting too happy here. I need to go eat something. kthx.

So this is really making it difficult for me to know who my real friends are. I'm happy that at least when I hang out with Christine or Mallerie that they're always like "well, do you want to take my car or yours?", because at least then there's an option, not just everyone jump in Nicole's car and tell her to go here and there. I used to feel the same way about people coming over my house, and sitting on my computer for hours. I mean, did you come to visit me or my internet? Break the addiction. I know I'm on quite often, but half the time my away message is up and I'm not even near my computer. I just leave it as a way for people to leave me a message real quick incase they can't call my cell phone (or don't know my cell phone). I'm also sick of those people that are like "We need to hang out blah blah," but make no effort to make plans. And when you try to make plans with them, they make excuses, but yet in their free time, they go with all these other people, and then be like "you never want to hang out". Bitch, I've been trying, you just dick me over every time. I can't stand feeling like I have to pull teeth to talk to or hang out with someone.

And anymore, it seems like everyone is trying to give me advice or tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Just fuck off already. You're not my parents, and you're not God, and most importantly, you're not me. You have no clue what I think or how I feel or what I really want or what I need. Don't tell me to get over him, because I'll just laugh at you. Don't say to find someone else until Mike decides he's ready.. because what's going to happen if I do that is I'm going to get involved with someone, they're going to grow attatched, I may grow somewhat fond, and then I'll only end up hurting them because I was too selfish and couldn't just stick it out. I'm not looking for a temporary boyfriend anyway. Don't tell me that I should go to college, because I'll make you pay for my books, tuition, and loans. Don't tell me who to be friends with, where to go, or what to wear. I need a friend, not a boss. I'm a confused girl, don't make it worse. Really. I know things take time, that's why I've been waiting. Maybe not all so patiently the whole time, but I've been waiting. Don't tell me about my parents either, because you don't live with them.

If you're going to lie to me.. well, actually let me re-phrase this.. don't even think about lying to me. I don't care what it is, just tell me the truth. Who cares if it hurts me or pisses me off, I'd rather know from the start than to find out later after believing a lie. It'd only make me more miserable, and probably give me the uncontrollable urge to murder you. If you're horribly mean to me, don't expect me to not be skeptical when you're suddenly nice. If you don't talk to me, don't think that I'm just going to be oh-so-eager to strike up a conversation with you when you IM me. It doesn't work that way. If you can't apologise to people, then you should try harder to not do anything wrong, and avoid having a reason to have to say you're sorry.

I know I said don't be surprised to see your name, but I decided this morning that I wasn't going to use names. If you read this and can't figure out for yourself that it's about you, or that you've done something like this to me or anyone else, then it's your own problem, don't go crying when you're out of friends. And, if you're going to dick people over just to be with your girlfriend or boyfriend, expect to have no friends left, and don't even dare to say that people are jealous. I was never jealous, you blind bitch. I just saw what you couldn't see. I've been through the process more than you'd think, and I've seen it happen too much. Chances are, that one best friend that you have left, is sick of you too. Have a nice day.

But Jessi already wishes she was me! JK. Although, I would not mind borrowing her teeth ;)

So I guess tonight my internet explorer is going to work on my computer. Normally my computer doesn't even do anything anymore, which is why for graduation/birthday I'm getting a new one.. unless of course my immature (yet older by 10 years) sister cries and moans again because she "never gets anything," which is just a complete load of manure because I'm a high school grad and I can't even count high enough to tell how many bills, fines, etc that my mom has paid off for her, not to mention letting her borrow money and shit. She doesn't even live here, sure some of her junk is here making my house a mess, but she doesnt live here. If she did I'd shoot myself repeatedly, or at least shoot myself once and leave a note attatched to my body that if anyone were to find me, to pick up the gun and continue shooting me because I had to stop after the first one. So yeah, new computer. I'm hoping to get it soon because I want to start to work on web design again. I miss it. It's been a year since I've done anything. I don't have defening-silence.org anymore since that ran out and I want to purchase a new domain but I don't have any money since I have to pay for phone, car, and insurance, and now my graduation party. Ugh.

I'm really thirsty lately. It sucks. Working on the fourth of July sucks. Having only 3 people there closing sucks. Having one of them be a stupid fucking stoner moron sucks. Chris was cool though because he wasn't supposed to stay and close but he did just because it would have been only two of us. Chrissy is gone now, thank god. She's only scheduled two days a week, and I guess those two days are too much to handle so she calls off. Cracker.

I should really be in bed right now because I gotta wake up early, do laundry, and then I'm going swimming with some of my co-workers/friends. Andrea called me but I was downstairs moping that I didn't get to see the fireworks tonight, so I missed her call and I'm quite positive that it is too late to call her back now. So I'll have to call her in the morning and see what's up. Good ideas. So I shall sleep now. Good night. ♥

P.S Todd scares me...

GOD! It figures that something always has to happen. Yesterday, at lunch, I went over to the other table to visit Steve, Bry, and Dave for a bit. As soon as I sat down, Lisa comes over to me and she's like "I have a story to tell you!" I was a bit perplexed since I haven't really had a conversation with her in over months and now she wants to tell me a story? Ok. So I thought maybe it was about my fag ex, or his sister(s). No. Instead, she tells me the story of how this girl Amanda came to her house with a bunch of her friends and tried to beat her up. So she's going on and on giving me all these details (which I don't quite feel like typing out tonight), and I turn my head to see if Missy and Katie are at my lunch table yet, and I see Amanda walk by, come to the trash can, and literally slam something in there. She stood there for a minute listening to Lisa tell me the story, and then I started thinkin "Oh great, now Lisa's gunna get them mad at me...". I wasn't sure if she was looking at me or Lisa, even though Dave said she was staring at Lisa.. eh. So I go back to my table, and I realize that Amanda and her friends sit at the end of my table, and nobody sits between us. Great. So I focused my attention on other random things, and didn't bother to see if they were looking at me or not. Today though, I was in my one class, and I swear I felt their eyes on me. I just want them to say something to me, that way I can clear things up. I really don't care what happened between them and Lisa. I really don't want to be involved, either. I have no problem with some of them, and the rest; I don't even know them enough to say jack shit. I hate drama..

Today was yet another day that I was suposed to get the car transferred to my mom's name. Today was yet another day that it didn't happen. I'm about ready to fuckin get my money back and just forget that I ever got my damn permit. If it takes this long for me to get a car that I can just fucking drive, I don't want it. I should be driving it already. This is why I wanted the Cavalier instead, or the Civic. But no, god forbid I have anything nice. Let's buy Nicole a car that just screams of poverty. =\

Mike called me at like 4:00. I'm hoping he calls again. I highly doubt it though. I took a nap after that, and mom actually woke me up for dinner. They never wake me up to eat, they just eat and then let me sleep until 10pm when it's too damn late to make anything to eat besides a bowl of soup. I need to get soup out of my diet. I smacked Vital with a gummi worm today. Those bitches hurt. Bry didn't believe us, so I smacked him with a worm too. I made wonton soup in family & consumer science today. It was ok. Maybe now I'll apply at a chinese restaraunt. Hhaha. No. Just joshin'. I am going to re-apply at DOTS though, since they're hiring. There's this new girl at work who also works there, she said they're looking for people. Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to leave OCB. God I hate it there. All the good people are gone.. like Mike, Mark, Paul, Shmeagle (hahahaha), Debbie, Matt, Christine. It's amazing how many people quit in less than two weeks time. Nancy V is quitting too =\ I have nobody to sing La Bamba with or dance to Gloria Estefan. I will miss that little spanish woman ♥. I miss Mike working there too. He always calmed me down. Now I get so close to just walking out. I think the Ashleys and Angelo would be mad though. We goof off so much. Ashley J and I realized that last night. We never just do our work, we always slack off and joke around. But we did pretty damn good last night for being the only two people closing. We got out on time, biatch. 9:45.

This has grown to be quite a large entry. I didn't think I had that much to talk about. Hmm. I think I'm gunna do some more cleaning now. Peace ♥.

I wanted to wash my car today... guess that's not gunna happen. I also wanted to order a cd player and some other stuff... hasn't happened yet. I get paid friday. Awsome. More money to get blown on fucking bills. I wish I were like one of those damned spoiled kids.. you know.. the ones where mommy and daddy still pay for everything for them even though they have jobs. Haha. No. I'd rather shoot myself than to be a loser. I signed onto Y!IM today, and about a thousand and one messages from people who aren't bright enough to understand the fact that maybe I don't sign on yahoo often. Hmm. MORONS! Aww. But Bill left me a msg. Its been a while since I've talked to him. Rahh. I'm gunna check my mail and call Mike's dad and have our normal conversation...

Pat: Hello?

Me: Hey. Is Mike home?

Pat: No, he's not. I'll tell him you called.

Me: Alright, Thanks..

Pat: Alrighty. Bye.

Me: K.. Bye..

What a twit. Why is he never home? =\ He needs to invest in a cell phone. Raaahhh. I hate snow. I really hate it. I'm stuck in the house. Grrrr. I'm going. I need ice cream before I cry.

Today was senior skip day. I was a dork. I went to school. I still hate the Russian kid.

Hampel let us order pizza. It was good, but I could have changed the oil in my car with it.

Mrs. Reddy gets the award for biggest bitch I've ever met. Really.

Tabron needs to be less picky about her damn salads. Bubble-wrap volleyball is good times indeed. Vasilly is not impressed.

Work sucks. Work sucks so bad. I have to go to a meeting tomorow, but at least I'm off. Yay0rz.

Mikey made me a copy of SAW. I've never seen it before. Maybe I'll watch it now. If I can learn to work my dvd player.

I miss Michael =\. I saw him today in school, but I still miss him dearly. le sigh.

My boob itches. Damnit.

I need to clean again. Ughh. Maybe tomorow.

I'm cold, and now upset. Holy Lucifer! =\ Goodnight.

Gosh, it's seriously been so long since I've done as much as thought of livejournal. I guess it's time for a major run-down of what's been going on in my life, yes? Sounds like a plan to me..

LAST MONTH: I took quite a bit more driving lessons. I so want a Monte Carlo now ♥ !! They're so fun to drive, and I think I look super hot in it-- just joshin'! As for Christmas, it rocked. First off, Kate bought me a BREAKING BENJAMIN ticket for Christmas, so on December 21st, I layed eyes upon the gorgeous Ben.. live.. on stage.. not even 200 feet away from my very own self. *melts* We got free water at the concert. Haha, that was great. Ran into Adam at the end, he got a phone call and left. Uhhhh. Got some other great stuff from Mr. Santa.. Christmas day a certain someone who will remain nameless (You know who you are, asshole. I know you read this.) pissed me off beyond belief, and now I'm never speaking to them again. Yes, it's been a MONTH already. I keep my word, bitch. New Years was boring, I had work. Came home, watched Regis as he took Dick Clark's place, put a little Jimmy in my tea (my stomache was on fire for quite some time).

AFTER NEW YEARS: So happy to not be hearing Christmas music anymore, it was really driving me crazy, I was able to hear Britney Spears singing "Santa can you hear me" in my sleep. Suicidal thoughts? I had many. But onto more important things. Mike and I hooked up! It's almost a month already. I'm pretty damn happy so far too. He's such a sweetheart. I don't think I've ever met someone so sweet lol. I don't know how to react to half the things he says or does. I love it. But of course there's a slight complication in it all. His brother Mark likes me.. Mark's cool, he just seemed a little too badass for me (cuz ya know, I'm such an innocent girl!). Mark is really cool though. I joke around with him, but it's all platonically.. although him and Mike do look alike.. haha. Mark comes to sit by me in homeroom, and we shoot the breeze. It's all good. He won't be in school til Wednesday cause he got himself suspended again (see what I mean about the badass?). I work with them both at OCB. It's great times there. MHM!

So it seems like lately I've made some new friends, and who'd have thunk it?! Haha. I miss Melissa, she hasn't been in school in a month, poor girl. I wish she wasn't sick. She's gunna be burried in work when she gets back (which makes sense cause she's short =X) Horrible joke, I know. Well then, enough of staying up late at night, I keep forgetting there's no delay tomorow. This is one messed up schedule! haha! G'nite loves ♥

Ooh boy. It's almost Christmas. I need to start saving so I can go and do my shopping. I already know what I want to get Curtis. I have no idea what to get for Kate. I don't even know who else I'm buying for this year. Probably not many people. I want a carrrrr *wink*. I would really ♥ love ♥ the person that has the money to buy me one lmao. XD I don't even know what I want for Christmas myself. I know I need to give my mom a list of cd's and dvd's that I want so that she can go get them all for me heh. Wow...

I'm pretty bored. I think I'm gunna have myself a bowl of soup before I get too relaxed though. I have work at 8 tomorow.. it's gunna suck so bad. I can't believe it's not even 7:00 yet. It seems so much later than that. Probably because I got out of work 2 hours early and then came home and took a nap. Mmm. I love listening to old songs, specially ones that bring back memories. =) Wellll.. I've really not much to say, I just wanted to write in here cause I haven't done so in about a month or whatever. Maybe I'll write in here again once something interesting happens to me, which is probably.. never. Adios. <3

"I'm reading your note over again and there's not a word that I comprehend except when you sign it I love you always, and forever."

Sometimes I swear I have the worst luck with things. I can't take this stupid life anymore. I miss him way too much. I try so hard to get myself over the fact that we're not together anymore but it never works. I cry everytime I talk to him. I just wish he'd show some sort of emotion. Cry a little. Something. I wish he'd just come out and tell me how he feels about me, if he still has feelings and what they are.. how he feels about us. What's going on. I just wish I knew how to fix everything so that I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. I hate talking to him and trying to keep myself from choking up when he sounds like there's nothing wrong. I don't know what to think. Does he not love me anymore? Is there someone else? I hate thinking about all of this. I just want him back. I want to be in love again. It'll probably never happen again. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. I'm probably going to be one of those old people down the square that feed the pigeons cause the pigeons are the only friends and companions they have in life. I don't even have friends anymore. I have people that pretended that they were my friends. People that lied to me. People that didn't want to take the time to open their eyes to a different side of the story, and just walked away and named me the retard, the bitch. UGH! I'm so.. I don't even know what I am. I'm all depressed and angry and confused it's not even funny. It's like my head is in so many different worlds, I don't know where to go or what to believe anymore. :'(

I haven't written in this thing in quite some time. A bit has happened. I don't know if I'd call it spectacular but I can supply a run-down of the summer.

So my grandma came down from New York to stay with us for a month or so. It was okay. I'm not sure if she was really entertained but I tried. I sat and watched soaps with her half the time. The last few days we played scrabble a lot. She kicked my butt every time. Shucks.

I quit Mark II on July 2nd. I just had enough of that place. I didn't think it was right that I was only 16 and I had to set alarms and lock up, and half the time everyone would leave me there by myself even if my ride wasn't there, so I'd be sitting there on the steps waiting for my dad with homeless and creepy scumbags from the adjacent hotel. That was a bad night anyway, I had two different people telling me to do all these things and I tried explaining that I didn't have time to do either cause I had so many tables to take care of. Then Jim flipped out on me even though he had no reason to because he was only pissed at Hollie. So I filled out tons of applications and had three interviews. One at Factory Card Outlet, the second at Pet Supplies Plus, and then Old Country Buffet. I got the job at Old Country Buffet. I started like a week or two ago.. I don't really think I like it but I really needed something to pay bills. Tonight I got a call from Paul from Pet Supplies Plus though. Now I'm not sure what to do. PSP is a shorter walking distance, and it's not a restaraunt. Hmm.

On Tuesday, I had a hearing because I had tried to collect unemployment when I left Mark II, but Bernie wouldn't let me because he told them I didn't have a good reason to quit. So my mom and I went to the hearing, Bernie never showed up, so the lady conducted the hearing anyway without him. The case is closed now. I won. Turns out Bernie was on vacation. How convienent, yes?

Yesterday I went with my family to Harford Fair. It wasn't as good as the other years. It was too muddy and cold. I spent more money on food than I did on anything else. I won a little Care Bear out of a crane machine. Yee-haw.

I had work today. And tomorow. And the next day. I'm off Wednesday though. I hate closing the beverage bar. It always takes me so long to do. I feel retarded or something. I keep forgetting to put my mop bucket back. I'm sure someone else does it though when I leave.

Tomorow before I go to work I'm going to apply the middle coat to my bike frame. I took apart a 21 speed mountain bike and I'm customizing it. I got paint that changes from magenta to gold. Then I got pink and chrome which are going to be used for the design. I got a new chain for it too. It needs a few other things and it's going to be rough putting it back together and trying to remember where everything goes. I think I've written enough, so I'm just gunna shut up now. Gbye.

ACK! That's my word tonight. Stress has made itself at home, kicking up it's feet and watching me tear myself apart. The past four nights I've worked. I work tomorow night as well and I just hope that I have Monday and Tuesday off again. Im so tired today. I got to work at 1:15 and I didnt get out until 12am. yes, thats like.. 11 hrs. At least I don't have to be at work until 4pm but damn. Restaraunts-- for those who are looking for jobs... STAY AWAY!!! really. i kid you not. if my feet had tear ducts... but anyhow, im gunna lay in bed and try calling curt again. maybe i'll write tomorow.

Last night was good and bad at the same time. I worked 9-2pm but actually I got there at like 9:20 because I have to walk to work and my back lately just doesn't like the idea of me walking. So since I was late she made me stay the minute I was late, but I really didn't care cause it wasn't too busy today so I wasn't really that tired. Dad brought me home to get my check so I can go cash it, then we came back home and I cleaned and we ate and around 6:30 he dropped me off at the mall and I met Curtis and Jared up there and we just walked around and I bought myself earrings and a shirt that Curt doesn't quite like, and I tried it on last night and I don't know if I even like how it looks on me to begin with.

So we waited for the mall to close and my sister to get out of work then we went to Chackos to bowl a few games. I totally suck at bowling (as I proved to everyone there). But I was having a good time cause I was with Curt. I feel so much better about everything whenever he holds me :D sometimes I want to just stay there forever. I just wish I had different parents. Ones who actually give a damn how I feel.

Tomorow night I have to go for a catscan which should be interesting. Hopefully they find out what's wrong with me so I don't have to be in pain all the time anymore. Anyway I'm going to do my laundry so I have clean clothes to wear to work, then probably take a lil nap before I take a shower and go to work. Sundays suck but at least I got to sleep in this morning. I didn't get to bed until 3 last night cause I was too upset, and I still kinda am upset but oh well.